International Family day was on 15th May. Here’s my Post article on Family, relationships and ‘Divorce’ – a burning problem that has irked many a lives in the west and is fast spreading it’s wings in the East.
Just a decade ago, divorce was a dirty word in socially conservative India. The arranged marriages with a sense of duty to extended families are getting more murkier and fading. The fear of social isolation is creeping in with both working couples with odd hour schedules and responsibility of parenting. Also the financial dependence put nearly unbearable pressure on couples to stay together.
The rigid boundaries governing traditional Indian life are beginning to fall apart, especially among the growing urban middle class. Dating among twenty something’s is growing popular, love matches through love or arranged marriages don’t provoke the family scandals they once did and divorce is no longer out of bounds.
Marriage is a lifetime union of not only two souls but also of two different families/generations in Hindu traditions. Both familes (Bride’s and Groom’s side) and their blessings/attention/opinion, lifestyles etc mattersin contributing to a successful marriage and relations. These core traditions probably avoiding divorce/break-ups in indian system for so long. However, times are changing!
All of a sudden it seems many of the young couples I know is getting divorced within barely few months of marriage. Non adjustments, ego issues, family conflicts or whatever the reason – And, if the divorce is not the issue, there’s a strained relation or a family dispute forcing family separations!
Values count and they do, especially when a couple is on the verge of a broken relationship and an almost ruined married life! When the vows are taken, it’s always the sun and the moon and the stars but a couple of days, months and years roll down to realize the stars always are shining in the sky and to reach there, a lot efforts take to check those difference of opinions and emotional outbursts.
Sacrifices and its from either side. Couples often forget the small yet big meaning of life – to be together is adjusting, forbearing differences and sacrificing. Family bonds come with love and couples leave behind their influence and impressions to their children. Parenting role plays an important part in lives of kids. Children are dependent on parents for their every need and as they grow up, it is fondness and security that calls for from parents.
Times have changed and this day, we find ‘Divorces’ on a rise. Crash boom goes the wows broken to head for a divorce! – Stop, Think, Compromise, Adjust – for Kids’ sake, parents need to Grow Up and manage their responsibilities gracefully. Divorce is no solution. It affects both the partners emotionally, economically and socially. It becomes complex for a single parent to appropriately care for the child. It gives an uncomfortable feeling socially as in social context, it is considered a caste out deed and unacceptable attitude with taken as granted that the couples are both at fault possessing qualities of ego and intolerance. Children could equally experience a feeling of anger and isolation if they are at an understanding age and for those who are very young, the realization at a later age is embarrassing.
Every thing in life happens for a cause. Even a Divorce. Before taking an action, every parent should, ‘Stop, think and act’ – Confronting situations is a pain but binding by law and taking decision is more stressful. Separation is risky and should be taken seriously. It is not a game where you can play with your own self as well as with the children. It is Stress in relationships that break the family bonds. Nothing ever should be compromised that keeping relationships intact because it is said, ‘Marriages are build in Heaven’ and who are you to break it? Nevertheless, it is the freedom and emotions that rule the minds and more important is ‘Self Esteem’ – to value self and to be self accepting.
In India, as per the Hindu Act 1955, marriages broken can be due to the grounds of adultery, desertion, cruelty, conversion, mental disorder, diseases, renunciation, etc. However, lately family disturbances are on a rise and as a result, a joint family is not an acceptable idea to many which ends up to break in relationships. This trend of ‘staying alone, staying happy’ is somewhat a shift in family lifestyle which lived under one roof, in unity with joint families where the parents, grandparents, children and grand children lived together in earlier times. These joint families are almost breaking as members of the family are getting separated – some or the other reason and those couples who are more modern and living on edge, find it inconvenient to adjust and sacrifice – for the sake of the family, for the sake of kids. Intolerance is on back seat as ego surfaces with stressful situations from all sides creating an environment of breaking bonds. Suffering comes from all ends and if you ask people around you ‘What do you worry about?” In comes the answer:
80% – worry about family
75% – worry about relationships
60% – worry about health
50% – worry about small things
50% – worry about What if…..
There are people around in India when surveyed upon said:
80% – worry about money
85% – worry about keeping relationship intact
75% – worry about losing self respect
Loss of a dear one, health concerns, careers, etc are many other worries that Indian people worry about. However, 75% people worry about relationships – To make or to keep intact or stop from breaking!!!
Well, here’s answer to Stop Worrying and stop – think – save Relationships. Stop taking the drastic step of the most unwanted word ‘Divorce’ because it can never bring in happiness but add to the stress and worries. Instead, it is more wise to compromise, adjust, let go, forgive and forget. Relationships are Hard but Ego is harder. The ego has to be trained to dissociate itself from whatever ideas of attachment come into the mind. Discovery of self is important and once, either of the couple understand their ego and shrugg off to accept self and remove negativity from within, there comes understanding – accepting each other as they are and improve upon their mistakes, believe in each other and live happily.
A few tips with identified Emotional Intelligence facets might help all :
Optimism : Consider what is positive and right – be optimistic
Assertiveness : Saying what one thinks. Confront – telling what your wants. Exercise power and opening up. Sometimes silence don’t speak words, it makes one suffer.
Emotional energy: cope with frustration, anger, conflict or pressure. This emotional energy need to be charged.
Self esteem: Value self and be self accepting.
Courage : Face challenging situation and take action that is right
Self Direction : Make decisions, set goals. Keep family alive.
Tolerance : Be tolerant, patient, accepting and cooperating – This is a major part where people fail and relationships go haywire
Consideration for others : This is being considerate, helpful, being honest and responsible. Most of the time, when responsibilities are overlooked, ego issues pop in and distances are broadened.
Sociability : Enjoying company of all. If isolation finds way, frustrations, stress pave in way to break up souls, for sure.
International Family day and all I could think was writing on Family and relationship. So, here I hope this post article might give an insight to stop the Family from Pressure – the involvement is whole family – Parents, grandparents, couple and even people around them. After all, who loves broken marriages?
A Book for Kids :
Surviving Your Parents Divorce
Surviving your Parents Divorce – This is one website I recommend as it gives a lot insight on surviving the problems of parents who reach for a divorce! And this is changing generation when it is time for a positive experience than the negative effects it has on children.
If marriages can be saved, they should be. But if there’s a split, traumatic events scar kids. However, it is more important on how to take it. Survival is a bright side but the better brighter side is seeing a positive. Having parents fight, split up and moving can be stressful and hurting. Divorce can be good or bad but most is going to happen and you can’t stop the ills of it. It is here that the site of the Author and the book comes in helpful with his own experience. Author Max Sindell, whose parents split up when he was six, begins with a child’s bill of rights – including the absolute most important right, the right to be safe and feel safe. The other rights a child of divorcing parents has include the right to awareness in what’s going on, the right to counseling, the right to be heard, the right to be one’s own person, the right to be neutral, and the right to private communication. The Author says, “If your parent ever has someone in his or her life who violates your feelings of safety and security, tell that person or tell your parent.” And he goes on adding with his personal experiences and anecdotes in the book.
“Divorce is always a unique experience, and the only thing they have in common is that they’re never easy”, says Max Sindell and I am sure, his book will be real practical guide, to help people have control over their life, no matter how distracting their parents’ situation may be.
Bright side to a dark way but most of, divorce should be the least of the problem when a kid is growing up. Let them grow ‘Gracefully’.