- Category: Counselling Zone
Hi, my name is Wendolyn. I have a problem with my son. My son lives with myself and his step dad. His real dad is constantly in and out of his life. His teacher always sends a report and says he is misbehaving. I'm wondering if having a dad and a step dad has taken a toll on him phscologically. After he either sees his dad or gets of the phone with him he acts different towards us. Not to mention this past November I had a baby girl. My son is six. I'm thinking this might have something to do with his behavior too.
Also any advice on be patient and have time for both of my kids and still have my house cleaned and the cooking done.
From: "wendolyn villafane" -
My nephew is 4yrs old his name is Sean. He is staying with mother and she is divorcee. His behaviour seems different. He is too pampered. For even small things hurts him a lot and he burst out very easily. Many times we find that he talks to himself. He is very aggressive not attentive in school, dont listen to teacher some times mischievous and sometimes he is very serious. Irreregular in eating habits. Always say no. He try to mix with other children but other children avoids him.
Kindly revert back on the same as soon as possible.
COUNSELLING BY ILAXI PATEL:
Hi Wendolyn, Sussana Rebeiro
I remember reading an article 'Ways to better communicate with Kids' - Now how can you communicate to a child whose brain cells are already activated with negative effects of an early family life problem? This is rather a crucial situation when a six year old boy has to stay with his step dad with shadows of real dad hovering in and out of his life.
Fear, anxiety, rejection, shame like feelings deviate the small mind and as a result he becomes aggressive, hyper, devious. His behavior turns irrational and he lacks all discipline that is required. He feels the inferior complex within. The child feels a sense of abandonment and especially when there is a divorce and the child faces a stepparent. Youngsters may also feel that the decision to remarry is a sign they are inadequate, the proof being that the parent has chosen another partner. However, re-marriage is harder on girls as psychologists say, stepchildren should have a disciplined family atmosphere. Behavioral specialists suggest that a child should not be allowed to get away with murder feel and stepparent should have authority on disciplined family rules. In cases where the child faces emotional traumas when talking to real parent and his phones or visit makes him irks, in such cases, the real parent should be avoided and more contact with step dad would make the child forget himself being guilty for facing rejection. In younger kids, memories fade faster and the child turns for love for the person who remains in constant touch with him depending on how the step parent treat him.
It's time you learn Emotional intelligence and more you develop your own as soon as there is a divorce case. The child's inner fear on forging new family ties makes him foresee the myths of stepparents too. Stepparents are so often portrayed as cruel and heartless in fairy tales. The truth of the matter is that, regardless of how real life stepparent treat their stepchild, the youngsters are likely to harbor resentments that can turn even the kindest stepparent into a fairy tale monster. Most children fantasize that their birth parents will someday reunite, a dream that a new marriage shatters. And it is the stepparent whom the child most often blames, however unfairly, for the destroying the fantasy. The child possess mix feelings of anger and jealousy and alongwith powerful resentment feelings, their characters turn into 'splitting' as termed by 'Behavioral psychologists'. The child faces a change and as point of feelings of abandonment, his actions reverse and he acts odd as :
* They want, almost crave for attention
* They want to be in control - not pampered but disciplined
* They want to get back at you for what he has been affected
* They are frustrated - feel lost and feel as if their love is shared
Patience is the need of the hour in such situations when the child's behavior is obnoxious. Early influences play lasting roles in kids. The brunt of raising a family mainly falls on a woman despite of efforts at equalizing the burden. Sibling rivalry should be avoided too. The elder child turns rebellion and so would the younger sibling get provoked into contrary behavior. A balance needs to be maintained and both treated in a natural way without either getting emotionally hurt. (Read Siblings case) 'Spare the rod and love the child' be the phrase and caringly the child can be taught to discipline with words, actions, and examples to shape the child's behavior. Its basic purpose is to steer a child away from dangerous and unacceptable behavior and toward self-control. Almost all research indicates that behavior is most effectively shaped by rewarding acceptable conduct and withholding rewards, if conduct is unacceptable. By self rewards, children learn self discipline. Punishment simply suppresses behavior. Shower the child with verbal praises for his good actions and hence, for his wrong actions, he would not only listen but feel guilty and improve upon his own behavior with his capacity to think his way. Give him occasional gifts and make him feel important. Let there not be Love withdrawal instead, patiently tackle the situation. A teacher's complaint should not make the child rebel with your negative action but firmly deal the complaint and make the kid understand that he is guilty, feel sorry and should be responsible. Such kids, vent out their hyper sensitive nature, get irritated and become aggressive as their emotional quotient is always high. They would mis-behave in classroom, have fights with friends or prefer aloofness instead of mixing up and making friends. Their eating habits too become erratic as they mental stability is imbalanced. While handling school complaints, Say 'My dear I know how hurt you must be when your teacher scolded you for your misbehavior in the class. I know you did not mean it. Just please don't feel bad about it but next time don't put yourself in your teacher's shoes with your such misbehavior, okay?' See the results. This might turn the child, gradually a milder one in time to come and more wisdom would come his mind. Once his mood swings are in control, his eating habits would become normal too. Neglect, physical abuse and emotional abuse should always be avoided and stop - Check out your own 'curses', shoutings or bickerings 'I wish you were never born' or 'Damn it, I can't manage Things..whatever' - This will only further make him feel resentment. Children immitate too faster so stop thinking on 'What happened' - past is past and start Living for today in a positive manner and your very own thought process would make things set right soon enough! Relax and stay cool!