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Temper Control

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Referring to your previous note on modifying parenting practices, I would like to know more about being patient and understanding towards our children. My daughter is 4 years old and very energetic. She does not understand when I explain things and is also very stubborn. Also with the birth of my second child, she has become even more mischievous. I sometimes lose my cool. 

I read the article onsibling rivalry in Moms zone and realized why my daughter was behaving so different and have changed my approach since then. Now I would want to work on my temper to avoid unpleasant events for my daughter and me. What would you suggest for temper control?

 

Temper

First of all, let me congratulate you for being so honest with your short coming. Many of us suffer from anger but very few parents realize it and come out with it like you have. I view this as a positive and promising beginning for you to control your temper.

You also seem to be very self aware and pro active. So it would be easy for you to realize and point out when your temper is invalid and uncalled for. Once you can catch yourself at the point when you get angry, half your work is done!

Now, I understand that you have the responsibility of a young one in addition to your daughter. So it must be overwhelming for you at times. I would suggest you take your time out from your daughter, in your own way, at such times. Take a few deep breaths and remind yourself about why you want to control your temper. Once you’ve gained clarity and control you can bounce back and continue your interactions.

Also, calm yourself or practice some relaxation or meditation whenever you find some time. Make sure you do it regularly. You can refer to my previous note on relaxation.
You will also find some good meditation techniques at www.oshoworld.com .

Secondly, you must aim to understand your anger.

Where does it stem from?
What do you feel before you lose your temper?
In what situations do you feel so?
When does it generally happen?
What do you expect from the person involved?
Are you able to communicate that expectation well?

You will notice that anger situations involve some unfulfilled expectations which lead to despair and frustration. So, the key lies in

– Communicating your expectations well
– Having a back up plan if the expectations are not met

Once you have jotted down the causes and clauses of your anger, you get to know it. Once you know it, you can control it.

For example, if you know that you tend to get angry when your daughter ignores you when you ask her to change from her uniform and remove her shoes, you can be alert particularly at that time, with a back up plan, like- ‘If she does not do so, I will let her be. She can remove it when she wants.’

You can also get involved with your church activities or a meditation group. I would suggest you look up this link for a deeper understanding of human nature:

For more in depth information on dealing with anger, I would suggest the following books for you.

“The Anger Trap: Free Yourself from the Frustrations that Sabotage Your Life” by Les Carter
“When Anger Hurts Your Kids: A Parent’s Guide ” by Patrick FanningKim Paleg,Dana Landis andMatthew McKay

Hope I have answered your question adequately. Keep the faith!

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